There's a particular kind of lonely that only happens when someone is sitting right next to you.
You're on the couch together, but he's somewhere else. Or you are. The conversation has gone quiet, not the comfortable kind of quiet, and you realize neither of you has really looked at the other in a while. Passing ships. That's what it feels like when my partner and I drift, and it creates an awful feeling inside of me. Even with him beside me, I can feel alone.
I suffer. That's the honest word for it.
As a yoga therapist, I'm trained to notice suffering and to go looking for its root. And every time I trace mine back far enough, I land in the same place: disconnection. Not a fight, not a betrayal, just the slow accumulation of two people not being present to each other.
Here's the thing about real connection, though. When it's there, you know it without needing to explain it. It's the shared glance across a room. It's calling him and the phone is already ringing because he was calling you at the exact same moment, and you both laugh when you pick up. It's understanding each other with almost no words at all.
Disconnection is the opposite of that. And it is quietly, thoroughly lonely.
What brought us back
My partner Scott and I were lucky enough to be introduced to Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy for Couples early in our relationship, long before we needed it in any kind of crisis way. We just needed it in the ordinary way that benefits every close relationship.
The practice itself is simple: simple and shared partner postures, along with shared breathing. A structured way of talking to each other that prioritizes kindness and honesty following the practice. Every single time, the outcome is the same: we connect with each other.
There's one particular practice we return to over and over. We sit back-to-back, close our eyes, and just breathe. First noticing our own breath, then reaching to notice each other's. Eventually, we lean back and mutually support each other.
I cannot tell you how meaningful that is. You cannot fake presence with your spine. I can feel exactly where I'm holding onto tension I didn't know was there, and I can feel, with total clarity, the exact moment Scott actually lets himself rest against me instead of just standing there politely. That's the whole practice, really. Learning what it feels like to actually let go, and to actually catch someone.
If you're feeling it too
If any of this sounds familiar, if you've felt that particular loneliness of being next to someone you love, I want you to know two things. First, it's common. Second, it's not permanent.
I wrote a longer piece that goes deeper into the research behind why disconnection takes such a toll on us, and walks through the practices Phoenix Rising uses to help couples find their way back, including the back-to-back breathing exercise Scott and I still lean on. You can read the full article here: Reconnecting With Your Partner: A Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy Framework.
And if you'd rather experience it than read about it, Michael Lee, the founder of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy, and I are co-leading an in-person couples retreat at Kripalu this August 28 to 30, 2026 called Deepening Your Relationship. Scott and I will be there too, doing our own work alongside yours. I'd love to have you.
You are not the only couple who has ever felt like passing ships. And reconnecting is closer than it feels.
